Most of the time our anger, irritation, frustration, is just a tempest in a teapot.  We make up a story to stoke our anger because we are angry, we need to be angry, and we want to be angry, so we produce anger. It has nothing to do with the other person at all.  It is all about being an angry person.

“Nothing other people do is because of you. It is because of themselves.”

don Miguel Ruiz

Conversely, nothing we do is because of other people, It is because of self.  No one can “make” us angry; we are just looking for reasons to project our anger.  It is all about us.  Understanding this puts us in charge of ourselves, not victims of the guy whom we are blaming. We can change ourselves, we can’t change him. That is the empowering fact that allows us to resign from victimhood. Our friend Tom says, “It isn’t them, it isn’t them, it isn’t them!

Remember, resentments have an adverse effect on recovery:

• By focusing on others, we ignore our own character defects.
• Resentment is poison. It keeps us toxic and stressed.
• Resentment is a common relapse trigger. It is the Number One Offender.
• Resentment robs us of peace and serenity.
• Resentment is a waste of time and energy.
• Resentments destroy relationships.
• Resentments separate us from our Higher Power.

“It is a spiritual axiom that every time we are disturbed, no matter what the cause, there is something wrong with us,” AA 12 & 12, p. 90.

So how do we stop the blame game? I think immediate action is called for. As soon as we recognize the disturbance, we want to take action. I mean take action before saying a word.

So what actions will produce good results? I have a few tools that I use to forestall the words that will disturb the peace. One that I like a lot is my Step Seven prayer: Please take my (anger, resentment, irritation, frustration), God. Take it and change me. I have no power. You have the power. Thank you for making this change in me. Step seven is so effective because it shows willingness to “let go and let God”.

Here are instructions for a way to deal with resentments from the book Alcoholics Anonymous, Freedom from Bondage, p. 552:

“If you have a resentment you want to be free of, if you will pray for the person or the thing that you resent, you will be free. If you will ask in prayer for everything you want for yourself to be given to them, you will be free…Even when you don’t really want it for them, and your prayers are only words and you don’t mean it, go ahead and do it anyway. Do it every day for two weeks and you will find you have come to mean it and to want it for them, and you will realize that where you used to feel bitterness and resentment and hatred, you now feel compassionate understanding and love.”

Forgiveness is a pathway out of resentment. Unforgiveness is subjective and judgmental and arrogant it is a demonstration of lack of love. We give away our power. When we say to the person we resent, “If you act the way I think you should act I can be happy. If not, I will suffer from toxic emotions.” (Of course we really don’t realize that we are choosing toxins, but that is the way it is.) When we do that, we choose powerlessness by denying responsibility for our thoughts/beliefs and feelings.   Forgiveness is objective and suspends judgement returns us to love and acceptance. Shall I live in toxic resentment or peaceful love?

Kay Sheppard, LMHC

We read these amazing words “… and acceptance is the answer to all my problems today”[1]. Could that possibly be true? Think of all of the ills in your world today and how acceptance applies.

I started learning the lesson of acceptance in my first five minutes in recovery. I was given a precious little pamphlet by Father Vince Collins entitled Acceptance: The Way to Serenity and Peace of Mind.   I read it until it was ragged.  One of my favorite passages which I have remembered for almost 50 years is this one: “An old Arab, whose tent was pitched next to a company of whirling dervishes was asked, what do you do about them? I let them whirl!”[2] Just consider his options; he could fuss, mumble, complain, swear, scream, yell, pray, shake his fist at them, or he could accept them just the way they are. “Let them whirl!” That’s acceptance! The same goes for all external environments. Whatever occurs outside of us is subject to acceptance.

The Serenity Prayer suggests we “accept the things we cannot change”.   It does seem to be the best option.   Somehow, refusing to accept the things I cannot change is like banging my head against a brick wall. There is no positive outcome. It is futile, frustrating and painful.   I cannot change persons, situations or circumstances—external environment. The good news is that I can change myself. The path to change involves recognition, admission, acceptance and action.   Change the world and nothing happens, change myself and the world changes. In order to do that, I must be aware of my internal environment. What is going on inside me? I must identify the thoughts that create my irritation, impatience and anger.

Our anger comes from lack of acceptance. Anger starts with judgment, criticism, blame, expectations—and all other ego demands.   Every fight, divorce, war, barroom brawl, and resentment starts with: “I’m right, you’re wrong, you’d better change!” Where there is no acceptance there is condemnation which creates the illusion of power and control. The price we pay for being right is our peace of mind, happiness, serenity. We can’t be right and be happy!  To find happiness, we have to give up the illusion of control through acceptance and surrender.

Another recovering person and I were doing some step work this week and we came upon a really important point to consider. We both had similar experiences that involved being irritated by the behavior of a stranger. We both spoke to the person we felt irritated with in an appropriate way, thinking we could help solve a problem. We both got violent rageful reactions to our comments. Our conclusion, after thinking the situations through was this: “It is a spiritual axiom that every time we are disturbed, no matter what the cause, there is something wrong with us.” [3] A better choice than to comment would have been to identify and correct our irritation. In other words, hit the problem where it starts—with me! This would have been a good time to say the “other” serenity prayer: God grant me the serenity to accept the person I cannot change, courage to change the person I can, and wisdom to know that person is me!” These situations would have presented the perfect opportunity to say silently:” Bless him/her, change me.”

It is not just people but situations that create the need to accept as well. Just think of a list of situations that need to be accepted: health concerns, economic issues, political differences, the economy, the weather, the past, and most important: our addiction. Sometimes we change our attitude, sometimes we change our behavior. If we can’t change the external environment, we can respond to it in a healthy way. It’s not what happens, but how we handle it that makes all the difference.

So is acceptance the answer to all our problems today? If not, it is a really good starting place!

[1] Alcoholics Anonymous, 4th Edition p. 417 Copyright 1976 A.A.W.S. Inc.

[2] ACCEPTANCE the way to Serenity and peace of mind. by Vincent P. Collins,  p. 1 St. Meinrad Archabbey, Indiana. ABBEY PRESS, St.Meinrad Ind.47577

[3] AA 12&12 Step Ten, p.90

Let’s talk about the circles…

The so-called circle work is a way to identify the ways we are stuck in our old patterns of thoughts, feelings and beliefs. We stay stuck as long as we continue to use addictive substances and behaviors to soothe our feelings. A huge challenge greets us when we get abstinent from all addictions. And that challenge is to deal with all the stored thoughts and emotions that we never dealt with directly.

Our addictive patterns are wired into the brain…

We come to realize that the work of recovery is to change. What do we change? What we think, what we say, and what we do. It may seem tough to change everything about ourselves but we do it one day at a time, one choice at a time, and one action at a time and in doing so, we change our brains.

Our addictive responses are wired together in our brains…

You may be familiar with the statement regarding the brain that, “Neurons that fire together–wire together.” It means that every experience we have, and the associated feelings, thoughts, physical experiences become carved into our brains. The more an action is repeated, the connection between the neurons becomes stronger. Practice makes permanent! In the disease process, this works to reinforce the thoughts, feelings and behaviors that support addiction. The brain is plastic!! Plasticity is the brain’s ability to be flexible and to rewire in response to experience. We have found that our positive recovery experiences can actually rewire our brains. There are many tools that we can use to do this work: meetings, literature, sponsor contacts, immersion into the twelve steps, and our spiritual practices to name a few.

The circles are another way to deal directly with emotions when they come up by changing the thought that creates them. That’s right! Our thoughts create our feelings. It is the thoughts we think, not the people we blame, that cause our anger, fears and guilt.

Here is how the circles work:

1)  Identify the Present Feeling: What’s the feeling? Be sure it is one word: sad, glad, hurt, angry, guilty. We do the feeling first because it is the messenger that we have work to do.

2)  Identify the Present Thought that proceeded feeling: What’s the thought? This puts us in charge of our thoughts. We take responsibility for our thoughts instead of blaming others..

3)  Describe Past Belief (it is a message from past): This is a core issue usually from childhood. Beliefs often contain “shoulds” that are irrational.

4) Automatic Future Reaction: in addiction our automatic reaction is to eat, drink, or drug to soothe the feeling. The point of power in our timeline is before we react. This is the place in the timeline that we pause and apply our recovery tools in order to stay abstinent and to change and grow.

5)  Challenge the thought:  Was that thought helpful? If we are experiencing toxic feelings it is not a helpful thought.

6)  Change the thought to one that is helpful. Helpful thoughts produce peaceful, nontoxic feelings.  When I am in conflict with another person, I change the thought to this:
“I love and accept________________   just the way he or she or it is today, because love and acceptance are spiritual principles and I choose to live a spiritual way of life.” In other words, my spiritual choice is to love and accept the person I am in conflict with.

7)  How do you feel now? Describe your feeling.

8} In order to constructively change the brain and develop new neuropathways we speak, write, record our affirmation (from number 6) forty times. We call this our 40-40-40 work.

If you have questions or need help, get in touch at info@kaysheppard.com